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If I could be a superhero
I would be awesome man
I’d fly around the world fighting crime
According to my awesome plan
And if I saw criminals trying to lie
Hurting other people and making them cry
I’d haul them off to jail in my awesome van
‘Cause I would be awesome man

Now, some criminals want you to be a criminal,
And they offer you things like drugs, alcohol.
But we know what to do, kids. We just say ‘no’.

If I could be a superhero
I would be drug-free boy
Telling the world of the evils of drugs
And all of the lives they destroy
Well I’d take all the junkie
He’s getting so high
With their needles and bongs
And their sticks made of Thai
As I burn them alive I would squeal with joy
‘Cause I would be drug-free boy

If I could be a superhero
I’d be immigration dude
I’d send the foreigners back to their homes
For eating up all of our food
And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot
Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit
I’d pass a lot of laws to get rid of their brood
‘Cause I’d be immigration dude

Now kids, you can make up your very own superhero. If you could, who would it be?

If I could be a superhero
Would you be justice guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve
Especially women who lie

Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job
To run off to fucking Hawaii with some doctor named Bob
You could skin them and drain them of blood so they die (especially Bob)
Then you would be justice guy

Or you could be more subtle
No I didn’t mean to be vague
Give her the mad cow disease
Let him die of the plague
As long as they suffer for their terrible lie (especially Bob)
Then you would be Justice Guy
Yes then you would be a superhero like me

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